Not Another Anck-su-namun Fic!
by Dead Profile
Summary: I think the title says it all. :)
1. New Student

**My Plea For Forgiveness:**

First of all, I want to say, when it's one o'clock in the morning and you're on your sixth cup of coffee you write the weirdest things. o_O 

The idea for this fic was not mine - it belongs to my fourteen-year-old Egyptian friend (no names) who is in love with Arnold Vosloo. :) (Guess who plays the part of Anck-su-namun in this fic? C'mon! Guess.) 

Yes, I am insane. O.o

 Ashley Ferguson is an actual friend of mine. 

'Dullard' is slang for 'stupid'. :P 

'Prigging' is a British term for 'snobbish'.

I owneth not these characters. Sueth me not. 

Okay, I do own some of the characters, but you can probably tell which ones are mine. 

Yes, it is another of my blurring-the-line-between-fiction-and-reality-so-badly-you-get-dizzy fics. Deal with it. 

Darth Maligna writes the funniest crap. :) Read 'The Dot Matrix'. 

Eat at Joe's.

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**Some Deranged Psycho Story**

Los Angeles, CA - 2002

The kids in Mrs. Dullard's 9th grade squirmed nervously in their seats. Today was the day their new exchange student was scheduled to arrive.

Victoria Prigging leaned over to her best friend, Ashley Ferguson and smiled wickedly. They and their gang had a reputation for being exceptionally rude to new students, and even the old ones. Their gang was obsessed with a few things: The movie 'The Mummy', Ancient Egypt, clothes, makeup, boys, the usual.

The gang consisted of six girls - Victoria, Ashley, Jessica, Margaret, Janice, and Pat. They had formed a club called 'The Mummy Club'. Since they were studying Ancient Egypt in class and the new movie 'The Mummy' had just been released on video, rotting, dehydrated corpses were all the rage.

One issue on Ancient Egypt they girls all loved was the story of Anck-su-namun and Imhotep. It said in their history books that, unlike the movie, Anck-su-namun had been only thirteen when she and Imhotep fell in love, and only fourteen when they murdered the Pharaoh. 

It was not uncommon in Ancient Egypt for large age differences like that to occur, but even so, the people at Universal thought it would be best to cast someone Arnold Vosloo's age for the part of his lost love.

What interested the girls the most is that it was real. Imhotep did endure the Hom-Dai and awake in 1926. The second movie, though, was a work of pure fiction. Imhotep had only awoken once.

"So, are we going to make fun of her or what?" Victoria smirked. "I bet she's ugly and fat and--"

The classroom door opened and a tall, gorgeous, olive-skinned girl walked inside. She had long jet black hair with bangs, and dark almond-shaped eyes that ended in a line, like Egyptians'. She was wearing the school uniform, a navy skirt and a tight white blouse that showed off her full chest. On her hands there were a pair of small, white, gloves. All the girls gaped.

Mrs. Dullard cleared her throat. "Ah, yes. This is our new student--" She looked at the piece of paper on her desk, "Anque-soo-naymin." She pronounced oddly.

The girl whispered something into her ear. Mrs. Dullard blushed. "Ah, yes. Anck-su-namun." She said. "Anck-su-namun is our new exchange student from Egypt, right?"

The girl, Anck-su-namun nodded and flashed a brilliantly white, absolutely charming smile at the class. She looked like one of the friendliest people you'd ever meet, sort of like Sandy in 'Grease'.

"Hello." She said with a definite British accent.

"Does anyone have any questions for Anck-su-namun?" Mrs. Dullard asked the class.

A couple people raised their hands. Anck-su-namun pointed at Jessica, who had her hand in the air.

"Why do you have a British accent if you're from Egypt?" She asked.

"The person who taught me to speak English spoke with a British accent, so, naturally, I picked it up."

Next she called on Jeffery, one of the class's two jokesters.

"Are you the resurrected Anck-su-namun from Ancient Egypt?" He joked.

Anck-su-namun grinned. "Why, of _course I am! What made you think otherwise?" The class laughed._

Carrie, a small, mousy bookworm, was next. "Where did you get your name?"

"My father was a great lover of Ancient Egypt. He named me after the famous concubine who murdered Seti I."       

Tommy, the other (and perverted) class clown raised his hand.

"Was Imhotep good in bed?"

"Oh, yes. _Very good." She laughed, going along with the joke. So did the rest of the class._

"Okay, enough of this." Mrs. Dullard scorned, "Anck-su-namun, you may take the empty desk next to Pat, over there."

Anck-su-namun nodded and sat down next to Pat.


	2. Meet Imhotep, My Corpse

Throughout the whole day Anck-su-namun was almost perfect. She never spoke out of turn, knew the answers to most questions, and got along perfectly with her fellow students. She was never shy or afraid to state a crude joke or speak her mind. By the end of the day she was the most popular and well-liked student.

It was 3:00 PM, time to go home. Pat noticed that Anck-su-namun did not wait in the carpool line for a driver to pick her up, but preceded to walk off the school campus. Pat walked over to Anck-su-namun.

"Isn't someone gonna pick you up?"

"No - I walk home." She smiled.

"Uhh, okay." 

Anck-su-namun left the campus. Since Pat's own ride would be an hour late, she decided to follow Anck-su-namun, for no reason other than the thrill of sneaking.

Anck-su-namun walked quite normally down the crowded L.A. street, despite male onlookers gazing rapidly at her figure. Then she took an unexpected turn to a quiet street, packed with foreign shops selling goods from other countries and Mexican vendors pushing street carts full of colorful scarves and jewelry. In between each of the tall building on the other side of the road was a dark alleyway.

Pat crouched behind a garbage can when Anck-su-namun stopped. Anck-su-namun looked around to make sure no one was watching before slipping quietly into the darkness of an alleyway. _Suspicious. Pat mused. She hummed the Mission Impossible theme in her head._

_Duh dum duh da da dum dum duh da duh dum duh da. Duh-na-la, duh-na-la._

She walked quietly to the alleyway Anck-su-namun had entered and quietly slipped into the shadows. What she saw almost made her scream. Anck-su-namun was in the arms of a tall, rotting corpse. She did not struggle, did not show any signs of fear at all, just looked into the cadaver's eyes like it was a puppy in a pet store.

In her fear, Pat tripped and made a small noise, then fell into the view of Anck-su-namun and her... friend. Pat's mouth widened to scream but she could not get her vocal cords to work. Anck-su-namun quickly left the creature's clutches and ran to Pat. She put her gloved hand over Pat's open mouth, in case she screamed.

"What are you _doing here?" She hissed._

"I... I..." Pat's voice was muffled under the silk glove.

Pat's knees decided to stop working, so she and Anck-su-namun slowly sunk to the floor.

The corpse moved a bit closer and said something to Anck-su-namun in a language Pat did not understand. She responded in the same tongue.

"It's walking..." Pat whimpered.

Anck-su-namun smiled slightly. "He won't hurt you."

"He?"

"Yes. He. Imhotep."

"Imhotep?!" By this time, Anck-su-namun had removed her hand from Pat's mouth.

"Uh-huh."

Pat's eyes widened. "Oh my God... You were telling the truth!" She said very fast, "When Jeffery asked if you were the real Anck-su-namun and you said yes..."

"Yes, I was. Please, don't scream."

"You were telling the truth..." She seemed locked in a distant trance.

She snapped out of it. "And what Tommy asked you...?"

Anck-su-namun blushed.

"Ohhhhhhhh my God." She seemed more amused at this than startled.

The corpse, Imhotep, growled deeply.

Anck-su-namun scolded him in their language.

"What did you tell him?"

"To stop acting scary on purpose. I swear, he loves scaring the crap out of people."

Pat almost laughed.


	3. The Sewer

Suddenly, a cell phone rang. Anck-su-namun dug in her pocket and brought out a black cell phone, one of the old ones that you have to flip open.

"Hello? Oh, hi Rachel. Yeah, I'm okay. He's here. Sorry, we got a little distracted... no, not _that, a friend of mine sorta... found us. Yeah she was scared. Hold on, I'll ask her."_

Anck-su-namun turned to Pat. "Rachel wants to know if you'd like to come over, and have some tea or something."

"Rachel?"

"Rachel Weisz. She's in that movie about us you like..."

"Seriously? _The Rachel Weisz? Oh my God. You know her?"_

"Well, yes. We sorta... live with her. She's my 'legal guardian' since, minus 3000 years, I'm only fourteen and Imhotep... well... I don't think he can fill out government papers. Do you want to come or not?"

"Yes. Defiantly yes."

Anck-su-namun turned to her cell phone. "Okay, she's coming. We'll be over there in a few minutes. Yeah. Okay. Bye." She shut the cell phone and put it back in her pocket, then said something to Imhotep, who went over and started messing with a grate - a passageway into the sewer.

"Uhh...?" Pat started.

"Well how do you think he got here? Walk casually down the street?"

Now that Pat thought about it the sewer seemed like the perfect hidden highway for one who could not be seen in public.

Imhotep had succeeded in pulling the grate off, leaving a hole large enough for a skinny person to jump through.

"Okay, let's go." Anck-su-namun said, standing up then pulling Pat to her feet. But Pat had seemed to regain her fear of Imhotep.

"Will, I have to touch... him?" She said very quietly.

"Well, yeah."

"I don't... he's just... do I?" She mumbled.

Imhotep jumped into the hole and stood a the bottom, waiting to catch the girls. 

"C'mon, Pat. Please? He won't hurt you - I swear."

"I know, it's just..." She looked for a reason to run away.

"We don't have time for this!" Anck-su-namun said, annoyed, and pushed Pat into the hole, where Imhotep caught her and put her down oh-so gently next to him. She whimpered.

Next Anck-su-namun grabbed the grate and held it above her head and jumped with it - making it stick back in place. She hung for a few seconds hanging onto the metal bars before dropping. Imhotep caught her and lowered her very slowly looking at her. Anck-su-namun smiled flirtatiously and giggled before Imhotep placed her on the floor beside him.

Pat almost retched. "You really love him, don't you? To still act... like that... when he's... erm..."

Anck-su-namun blushed. "What, dead?"

"Err, yeah."

She smiled. "It's who he is, not what he looks like. He'll be regenerated soon, though."

Pat's eyes widened. "Ah, yes. How... how will he regenerate?" She asked as the trio started walking through the sewer.

"Well, actually, it's not exactly like the movie."

"Huh?"

"He's already been awakened once, therefore he has to find an alternative way to regenerate."

"Okaaaaaaaay..."

"This is where I come in."

"Mmmm?"

"I was discovered murdering the Pharaoh, then... yeah. During my mummification, they cursed me. It was to be if I ever awoke I would be able to suck anyone, not just unlucky chest-openers, anyone, dry. I could also transfer 'sucked' flesh to another undead, but when I fully regenerated I could not absorb anyone or give any more flesh."

Pat gagged. "Nice curse."

Anck-su-namun rolled her eyes. "Yup."

Pat stopped suddenly. "Oh my God. Are you going to...?" She looked scared out of her wits.

Anck-su-namun laughed. "Imhotep wanted me to, but I could never kill anyone I know."

Pat didn't look convinced. "I was so stupid! I let myself be lead into a sewer with two undead mummies where no one can help me! And... and you turned me into a llama!" She started shaking.

Anck-su-namun raised an eyebrow. She translated for Imhotep and he scratched the top of his head in confusion. Not exactly sure about the sanity of her friend, Anck-su-namun decided to go with the simple approach.

"Pat, please. I won't hurt you. I promise. And you aren't a llama." Anck-su-namun comforted, putting her hand on Pat's shoulder. "If I wanted to harm you, I would've done it already, k? I might not be alive, but I do have feelings. You're my friend. Why would anyone kill their friend? Do you trust me?" Her face looked almost sad.

Pat relaxed. "I... I guess..." She looked Anck-su-namun up and down. "But you're fully regenerated." She stated.

Anck-su-namun shifted her gaze and straightened her gloves.

"Your hands..."

Anck-su-namun nodded sullenly. Imhotep walked over to her and places his hands on her shoulders. She looked up at him and smiled weakly.

"Come on. Rachel's waiting."


	4. Rachel's House

They walked a bit more before they stopped at another grate.

"This is it."

"Rachel Weisz has a grate in her backyard?"

"Yup."

"All right then..."

A ladder had been leaned up against the side of the sewer. Imhotep climbed it and slid the grate out of place and motioned for the girls to follow. Pat ascended the ladder after him and he helped her out of the opening in the ground. Anck-su-namun came after Pat. 

When they were all out, Imhotep replaced the grate and Anck-su-namun walked over to the tall white house beside them. She took a key from inside her shirt, unlocked the sliding glass door and opened it. 

The entire party entered the house. Pat looked anxious.

"Why do you look so nervous?"

"I've never met a movie star before."

"Oh."

Imhotep flopped down on the couch and Pat followed Anck-su-namun into the kitchen. There was a note taped to the refrigerator written in hieroglyphics.

"Gone shopping, be home soon." Anck-su-namun translated. "I swear, sometimes I don't think she knows I speak English. Are you hungry?" 

"Uhh, yeah."

"Okay. Umm, do you like fruit? We usually have lots of Egyptian fruit and bread around. I can't stomach your greasy food. Rachel calls me picky, but I know she's just joking."

"I've always wondered what that Egyptian bread was like."

"Want some?"

"Sure."

Anck-su-namun went to retrieve something from the cupboards while Pat looked around. The walls were beige, and Egyptian artifacts were almost everywhere. It seemed that Rachel was as interested in Egypt as her character Evy had been. Or maybe it was to make Imhotep and Anck-su-namun feel at home.

Suddenly Pat realized something.

"Hey wait a minute. You're dead. You don't have to eat – do you?"

Anck-su-namun nodded. "_I_ have to, since my stomach is regenerated. Imhotep doesn't _have_ to, but he does anyway. You begin to miss eating after 3000 years."

"Oh."

Anck-su-namun put some bread, pomegranates, figs, and dates on a plate.

"We usually eat in the living room; is that okay with you?" Anck-su-namun asked.

"Sure." Pat was jealous. Her mother never let her eat in front of the T.V., but then again, Anck-su-namun was... well... different. Pat shook her head. No. She shouldn't say that Anck-su-namun's being different had anything to do with anything. It had been Rachel's decision whether they could eat in the living room or not.

When Pat walked into the living room and saw Imhotep sprawled out on the couch watching _The Mummy. _Pat almost laughed. This scene was just too weird. Anck-su-namun was kneeling on the floor, offering the plate of food to her lover. Pat went and sat next to her.

"Don't tell me you hand-feed him too." Pat joked.

Anck-su-namun smiled. "No, not unless we're alone and feeling romantic. Want something?" She handed the plate to Pat, who took a bit of everything, not know what half of it was.

Anck-su-namun saw Pat looking at the food funny.

"See these? These are dates. They have a large pit in the middle, so watch out for that. This is a pomegranate. You have to open them like this." She showed Pat how to open and eat a pomegranate without making a huge mess.


	5. Sleepover Plans

Suddenly the front door opened and Rachel Weisz entered, carrying a few brown paper bags. Anck-su-namun and Pat went over to help. Imhotep had gotten a date pit stuck in his throat and was reaching through the holes in his rotted neck trying to pull it out. (AN – LOL! Where did that come from? o_O)

"Hello Anck-su-namun." Rachel said as her bags were placed on the kitchen table.

Anck-su-namun brought Pat up. "Rachel, this is my friend Pat. She sits next to me in class. She's a big fan of yours and loves Egypt."

"Oh really? Well, it's nice to have you here, Pat." Rachel shook Pat's hand. Pat didn't know what to say.

"You have a nice house." Finally came out.

"Thank you. Is Imhotep watching the movie again?"

Anck-su-namun nodded. "Yes. I swear, he never stops watching it, even though he can't understand half of it."

"Has he watched _The Mummy Returns_?" Pat asked.

"Yeah." Rachel said, "He doesn't like it though. He says that Anck-su-namun would never forsake him."

"I _wouldn't_!!!"

"I never said you would."

"So, do you speak Ancient Egyptian too, Rachel?" Pat asked.

"Only a little bit," Rachel answered, "But Anck-su-namun translates everything for me."

"Umm, Pat?" Anck-su-namun asked.

"Yes?"

"Do your parents know you're here?"

"Oh God! They don't! I'll have to call them!"

Anck-su-namun took out her cell phone and handed it to Pat. "Use this."

"Thanks."

Pat dialed the phone while Rachel and Anck-su-namun put the groceries away.

Anck-su-namun got a sudden idea.

"Rachel," she asked, "Would it be alright if Pat slept over?"

"It's fine with me if she wants to."

Pat nodded. "Hey mom, Rachel says it's okay if I sleep over tonight – at her house. It _is _Friday!"

After a few arrangements were made, Pat's mom said she would come by to drop off Pat's sleeping bag and a change of clothes. When Pat had shut the phone they all did a high-five. Imhotep walked into the kitchen and said something to Anck-su-namun in Egyptian. She walked over to them and they began talking.


	6. Club Meeting

The four of them were in the living room watching _The Mummy _when the doorbell rang. Anck-su-namun and Pat went to answer it. It was Victoria, Ashley, Jessica, Margaret, and Janice; the rest of The Mummy Club.

"How did you know I was here?" Pat asked.

"We called your house. Pat, did you forget about our club meeting?" Victoria asked.

Pat slapped her forehead. "The club meeting. I completely forgot." She groaned.

"Well, come with us. We're going to Victoria's house right now." Ashley said.

"Why don't you just have your club meeting here?" Anck-su-namun suggested.

"We need a place with lots of Egypt stuff. _I _even have an autographed picture of Rachel Weisz." Victoria bragged.

"Oh. An autographed picture of Rachel Weisz. I'm not sure if I can compete with that." Anck-su-namun and Pat smiled at each other.

"Thought not." Victoria said, putting her nose in the air.

Suddenly Rachel came to the door.

"Did I hear my name?" She asked.

The members of The Mummy Club gaped.

"Oh, did I forget to introduce my legal guardian, Rachel Weisz?" Anck-su-namun smirked.

Fifteen minutes later they were sitting in Rachel's living room, and Rachel and Anck-su-namun had just become the newest members to The Mummy Club. Imhotep had gone upstairs as to not scare the girls.

"Hey, do you really think it's possible to wake the dead?" Pat asked. She winked at Anck-su-namun.

"Why don't we try?" Anck-su-namun prompted, grinning at Pat.

"Alright." Victoria said. "I do have Rachel's whole 'Book of the Dead Scene' quote memorized."

"Okay, let's hear it, then." Rachel said, knowing what was going on.

Victoria recited the whole passage from the movie. When she got to the "yah-tu-way" part, she shouted it at the top of her lungs, just for effect.

After Victoria had finished, they all sat deathly still, waiting for something. Anything.

Suddenly they heard the papery sound of dried bandages walking down the steps. All the girls gasped, including Anck-su-namun, who was as good an actress as Rachel. Suddenly Imhotep came into the living room. All the girls screamed.

Imhotep slowly circled the girls, growling deeply. It was all Pat could do to keep from laughing at the looks on her friends' faces. Suddenly Anck-su-namun smiled, just slightly.

"_Want to freak them out?_" She asked in Ancient Egyptian. No one else knew what she was saying.

Imhotep grinned and nodded. Anck-su-namun got up and started to walk over to him.

"Anck, what are you doing?" Janice hissed. "He'll kill you."

Anck-su-namun walked up to Imhotep. They looked at each other for a moment before beginning to kiss. Open-mouthed. The girls on the carpet were torn between horror, nausea, and interest. Rachel was the only one who saw this as perfectly natural.

Suddenly the flesh starting from Anck-su-namun's wrists began to melt off of her and regenerate on Imhotep. The girls almost gagged. When the flesh had disappeared up to her elbows, they broke apart, smiling. 

Pat remembered Anck-su-namun's words in the sewer. "...and I could transfer 'sucked' flesh to another undead..." 

Anck-su-namun turned to the girls, holding Imhotep's hand.

"Girls, may I introduce my lover Imhotep?"


	7. Everything Everything

"You didn't tell me you _kissed _him!" Pat said for the third time. 

They were sitting on the couch, Anck-su-namun between Imhotep and Pat. All the other girls were on the floor watching _The Mummy. _They had all called their houses and were all sleeping over. Everything about Anck-su-namun and Imhotep had been explained to them.

Anck-su-namun had strips of beige gauze wrapped around her now-decayed arms to cover the rotted flesh.

"You should have assumed I'd kiss him, considering everything we did in Egypt."

"W-w-what _did _you do in Egypt?" Pat asked embarrassedly. 

Anck-su-namun smirked. "Everything."

"Everything?"

"Yeah."

"Like _everything _everything?"

"Yup."

"Like," Pat made a motion with her hands, "Everything?"

"_Everything _everything."

"Oh." 

Pat blushed and turned to watch the movie.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

AN – Okay, I know that was stupid, but I just hadda put it in there for fun. ^_^ It's a version of a conversation I had with a friend. (I said Pat's lines. ^_^ My friend is twenty and I met her online.)

I dedicate this chapter to my twin, KateLovesImhotep, because I know you wanted to hear something like this. ^_~


End file.
